A thousand bottles of lube, a gubernatorial candidate who allegedly loves tranny porn and what appears to be a “you up?” text from a Marxist. The week of Sept. 16, 2024 will forever go down as the horniest week in political history.

Let’s start with the horrific allegations against hip-hop mogul and dedicated Democratic supporter Sean Combs, aka Diddy.

Feds arrested him Monday on a plethora of horrific charges including racketeering, sex trafficking and transportation to engage in prostitution, according to an indictment the United States Department of Justice (DOJ) unsealed Tuesday.

I don’t want to downplay this stuff. If what the DOJ is alleging is true, Diddy is a sick and depraved individual who was essentially, allegedly, keeping sex slaves. There’s really no other word to describe the allegations besides demonic.

But my family has a saying — if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry — and many online have found a modicum of humor in the truly eye-popping stuff in his indictment.

Diddy, the indictment alleges, would wield his power and influence to force people to engage in “elaborate and produced sex performances” that he would refer to as “Freak-Offs.” The Freak-Offs “occurred regularly, sometimes lasted multiple days, and often involved multiple commercial sex workers,” the indictment claims.

Diddy would allegedly watch these performances, record them and masturbate to them. He also “distributed a variety of controlled substances” to keep people “obedient and compliant,” according to the indictment.

Afterwards, he allegedly provided IV fluids to help the victims recover from the ordeal.

Combs forced men and women into vile marathon sex shows for his own personal enjoyment, the indictment claims. But at least he didn’t tell women that they should start a family. That would’ve been really bad.

Feds allegedly found over 1000 bottles of lube/baby oil throughout his homes in Miami and Los Angeles in subsequent raids. One thousand. One thousand bottles of lube, according to the indictment. (RELATED: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ Indictment Alleges Drug-Induced ‘Freak Off’ Sex Parties)

Now, again, I know this is not necessarily a laughing matter. But with the stream of abject barbarity the general public has been subjected to in the internet age, gallows humor has become a welcome coping mechanism for myself and others, and the internet has certainly had its fun with this one.

Former NFL receiver and future brain damage research subject Antonio Brown, who’s been blowing up Twitter with distasteful jokes since he resigned from football in disgrace, has been having a lot of fun with the Diddy news.

The police after raiding Diddy’s house pic.twitter.com/yDFqdY76HC

— AB (@AB84) September 20, 2024

Diddy’s rap rival 50 cent fired a shot across the bow too. “Here I am keeping good company with Drew Barrymore and I don’t have 1,000 bottles of lube at the house,” he wrote on Instagram.

The commenters had a field day.

“Diddy got more oil than Saudi Arabia,” one wrote.

Jokes aside, I wholeheartedly feel for the alleged victims of Diddy’s sprawling scheme of manipulation. But he’s far from the only figure to allegedly display an embarrassing level of lust this week.

We turn our attention to the Cable News Network.

CNN panelist and Vanderbilt University professor Michael Eric Dyson had a tense exchange with Republican South Carolina Rep. Nancy Mace in an August appearance on “CNN NewsNight with Abby Phillip.”

Dyson took Mace to task for mispronouncing Kamala Harris’ name, essentially accusing her of racism for doing so.

“Now let me just say this, because this congresswoman is a wonderful human being, but when you disrespect Kamala Harris by saying you will call her anything you want, I know you don’t intend it to be that way. That’s the history and legacy of white disregard for the humanity of black people,” Dyson remarked.

Fast-forward to Thursday, and Mace had clearly not forgotten the exchange.

Mace entered a series of flirty text messages she says came from Dyson into the record during a Thursday hearing.

Now, I was willing to give the dude the benefit of the doubt until I saw the alleged texts.

Mace says Dyson texted a series of pictures they took together. “Shh don’t tell anybody. We look good together!” he said, adding a kissy face emoji, according to the congresswoman.

Now, the apparent kissy face emoji is borderline at best. But after Mace says she politely replied with “Hahahahaha,” Dyson apparently took it a step further.

“Well your gorgeousness makes the photos, so there’s that!” he sent, Mace said.

Good God!

😘 pic.twitter.com/UPtmu3B5NR

— Nancy Mace (@NancyMace) September 19, 2024

Mace completely put him on blast, entering the alleged texts into the official Congressional record and plastering them all over her social media accounts.

Dyson took exception, tweeting “The ridiculous lies told by Nancy Mace in the effort to smear my name because of her anger at being checked for her insensitive disregard for VP. I had no intent with her to do anything but be nice. And her white women’s tears and mendacity are all in the service of lies and distortions. I was wrong about one thing: she IS a bigot and racist.”

Cope harder bro. Mace got the last laugh, simply quoting his tweet with “Beta male.”

This exchange was my favorite thing all week. It perfectly encapsulates the two-facedness of Washington politics and the emptiness of performative race-baiting. You’re gonna basically call Mace a racist in front of an audience of m̶i̶l̶l̶i̶o̶n̶s̶  thousands but appear to try to get her in the sack behind closed doors, according to her screenshots? Nah bro, that’s not on. I applaud Rep. Mace for making her allegations public. I deplore race-baiters and creepy perverts. But being both at once is truly disgusting.

The final dude on our list is GOP gubernatorial candidate for North Carolina Mark Robinson.

Explosive allegations from CNN’s Andrew Kaczynski, aka KFILE, accused Robinson of posting some insaaaane stuff on a porn site’s message board between 2008 and 2012.

Robinson copped to liking transgender porn, CNN claims. He also allegedly cheated on his wife with her sister (trigger warning on this one, it’s graphic and gross). He further said he was a peeping tom on a website called Nude Africa, according to CNN.

Robinson denied the allegations profusely, calling them “outrageous lies” on social media.

I wanted to take a minute to address the latest outrageous lies coming from my opponent’s dishonest campaign: #ncgov #ncpol pic.twitter.com/RtteVUiozr

— Mark Robinson (@markrobinsonNC) September 19, 2024

“This is not us. These are not our words. And this is not anything that is characteristic of me,” Robinson told CNN in a Thursday interview.

CNN, however, tracked the username used on the Nude Africa message boards across a number of other websites and linked them to Robinson.

Minisoldr, the user who said things like “I like watching tranny on girl porn!” is a username a person named Mark Robinson has used on Twitter and Pinterest, according to the outlet. CNN also says it tracked the username to Amazon and Google profiles which left reviews for products and businesses that Robinson has publicly recommended on Facebook.

Besides the shockingly lurid allegations, Minisoldr also reportedly posted a number of weird racial commentary including “Slavery is not bad. Some people need to be slaves. I wish they would bring it (slavery) back. I would certainly buy a few.”

Just the thought of this dude allegedly needing to take his thoughts on slavery to the Nude Africa message boards … It’s patently absurd.

The shocking allegations dropped just hours before the deadline for Robinson to drop out of the gubernatorial race was set to pass, according to WRAL. He trailed his opponent by between five and 13 points, according to Wednesday polls.

Robinson, defiant, refused to drop out and will be on the ballot Nov. 5.

“We are staying in this race. We are in it to win it,” Robinson said in his Twitter video.