March 13, 2025 11:43 AM ET

Caroline Downey is Editor-in-chief of The Conservateur, a staff writer at National Review, and a senior fellow at the Independent Women’s Forum. This week, she guest-wrote our ‘Good Life’ newsletter by Mary Rooke. To read more from Caroline and The Conservateur, sign up for their newsletter here.

By now, many of us have seen the viral clip from Love Is Blind of bride-to-be Sara rejecting her fiancee Ben as they were about to undergo their nuptials because of his presumed conservative beliefs. She had gleaned his views over their short courtship but she still seemed to have a superficial understanding of his values by the end. 

Debriefing with her mother later, Sara says, “Like, I remember I asked him about Black Lives Matter, and I’m no expert, but when I asked him about it, he was like, ‘I guess I’ve never really thought too much about it.’”

She also claimed she was uncomfortable with Ben’s reticence about his church’s teachings on sexuality, which she later discovered to be “traditional” from her stalking old sermons. It was Ben’s alleged beating around the bush on these issues that made her feel like she couldn’t commit, she suggested. But I really can’t blame Ben.

Although I can’t read Ben’s mind, it’s unlikely he was as politically agnostic as he pretended to be. This is the conundrum young men currently face: a large ideological gender gap that has left them with no choice but to try to court progressive young women who are skeptical of if not hostile towards their masculinity. Practically every young male friend and relative of mine has at some point concealed their convictions from women they were seeing in the hopes of ending their loneliness and landing a relationship.

Why young women specifically have lurched Left since the 1980s remains understudied. Correlatively, we know marriage rates have dropped with this trend, and that married women tend to be more conservative. But the truth remains that values are non-negotiable in marriage.

I confess that I am not married. But from observing my parents’ marriage and those of my closest friends, I see that spouses being on the same page about politics, religion, and children functions as the glue when the inevitable challenges of life hit.

Many young people naively think they can outsmart this unchanging reality. But the goal should be a love that lasts 60 years — not just a season. A common folly is thinking that if they share common interests, such as the same hobby, that should be enough. Alas, it is not. Shared activities can be created together if both partners are willing, but it’s difficult to be unified when the values are worlds apart. (Sign up for Mary Rooke’s weekly newsletter here!)

A man and a woman may both like to play pickleball every weekend, but what if she insists that there’s a pernicious patriarchy? What if he believes in political correctness? Eventually, the pair will have to contend with consequential questions, like, what charities they should donate to or whether to allow their daughter to be prescribed birth control when she turns 15.

And these discussions are aside from family tragedies, personal injuries, and financial setbacks that are to be expected. Life is already so complicated and hard, as Jordan Peterson has often pointed out. It’s best to find someone with whom you don’t have to translate your soul.

Tomorrow’s Good Life newsletter is going to look a bit different!
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— Mary Rooke (@MaryRooke_) March 12, 2025

After a relationship in which I felt pressured to compromise my values, I decided to date with intentionality, a concept that had been foreign to me for most of my teenage years, when I was surrounded by hookup culture in college. I vowed to never give my heart away until I was sure that we were in sync on the fundamentals.

To someone of an older generation, this approach might seem overly calculating and absent of romance. But as my mom once pointed out to me, Americans were much closer on morals decades ago than they are today. There was a sense of neighborliness and patriotism, regardless of political party.

The same cannot be said today. Therefore, a young woman entertaining suitors should be very discerning in the process, and vice versa for young men. You just can’t assume you are aligned without asking serious questions. (ROOKE: Democrats Angry College Kicked Drag Queens Off Campus Must Have Missed November Election)

Again, some who’d advocate for letting things flow naturally, which I don’t disagree with, would not advise coming into the first date guns blazing with pressing questions about abortion, DEI, and who in the household should be the breadwinner. Then again, in the past, I often regretted not raising these things sooner. I don’t believe you can spook someone who is a true match for you. Even if you’re ready to get down to business and brass tacks right off the bat, a good fit will likely appreciate the intensity and your desire to not waste either of each other’s time.

Virginia, another contender on a recent episode of Love Is Blind, broke up with Devin because he dared to ask her if she voted with her faith in mind. She was perturbed by the question, evidently leaving her with doubts as to their compatibility until she left him in tears. But Devin’s question early into their relationship was meant to elucidate their values and how they practiced them. Ultimately, it was a classic case of values misalignment.

While it’s just a reality TV show, young Americans would be wise to take away the lesson that these conversations are best hashed out early — not at the altar.

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