Our noble corporate media has long tried in vain to save the world from the scourge of incels. Now, one brave “man” has emerged from the shadows with a cure for their toxic masculinity. Drink a soy latte, go to a drag show and vote blue in 2024 — and you’ll finally get laid.
For those who are not Very Online, incel is a portmanteau of “involuntarily celibate” — men who lead single or celibate lifestyles not by choice, but because no girl will give them the time of day. First arising on message boards like 4chan and Reddit, it is a self-applied label for young men seeking a community of peers who are also long overdue to lose their virginity.
Often, these “communities” come in a relatively harmless variety: a platonic dialogue to answer the age old question of why women don’t go for the “good guys” and endless ramblings on the evils of the “friend zone.” However, they can just as often devolve into some garden variety misogyny, with a bunch of overgrown man-babies stroking each other’s sense of sexual entitlement, resentment and bitterness that women can’t see all the good qualities their mothers’ assured them they have. Hey, at least they found something to stroke.
Just like anything else they don’t like, our media class conspires to paint “inceldom” as a dangerous conspiracy trudging towards “violent extremism.” Everyone from Harvard to the National Institute of Health and CNN is sounding the same alarm. When all our corrupt elite agree on something, their intentions can’t be good.
Hear that, FBI? Get ready for an army of angry virgins to overthrow the government from their parents’ basement. React accordingly.
But outside the media hysteria and the incels’ own cringeworthy temper tantrums exists a very real problem. Through decades of civil rights lawfare, feminist activism, and the most sophisticated propaganda campaign in history, American society has been re-calibrated to conform to feminine instincts: nurturing safe spaces, sensitivity training, social and emotional learning, a schoolmarm in the HR department ensuring no one gets their feelings hurt.
From the playground to the boardroom, men are taught to suppress their natural instincts, while women are taught to live their truths (and shout their abortions). Hell, we can’t even define the words “man” and “woman” anymore. In this world, both masculinity and femininity are disfigured beyond recognition and we’re all more lonely, single and miserable than ever before.
But those men able to function in the real world are doing more than just moaning in message boards. They’re rejecting the party and the ideology that delivered this matriarchal hellscape.
My advice to the young men out there is this is going to make it a lot harder to find girls who want to go out with you. https://t.co/nBKZyNVHva
— Matthew Yglesias (@mattyglesias) January 9, 2024
New Gallup poll data shows that young men are moving rapidly toward the Republican Party. From 2013 to 2017, the percent who identified as Republican hovered in the mid-to high 30s. In 2018, it broke 42 percent and continued to climb to 49 percent in 2023 — a near-majority of a multiracial youth bloc that conventional wisdom said could never swing conservative. It took young men a few years to recognize the emergence of purple-haired Leviathan, but now that it’s reached it’s apex — say, with a man shaking the silicon blobs shoved into his chest on the White House lawn — they’ve had enough.
However, there’s some bad news, gentlemen. If you think this is going to help lose your virginity, or even just find a nice, normal wife — you’ve got another thing coming. At least, that’s the advice of Vox co-founder and liberal Mr. Potato Head himself, Matthew Yglesias, who warned that voting red is “going to make it a lot harder to find girls who want to go out with you.” It’s true that women lean far more progressive than men — why wouldn’t they? progressivism is feminism — so the only option, therefore, is to improvise, adapt, overcome.
Riding America favorite mass transit system pic.twitter.com/Y4WtmChTVG
— Matthew Yglesias (@mattyglesias) December 26, 2023
Girls like progressives? It’s time to show these ladies just how progressive we can be.
First off, you’ve got to change up your lifestyle. Ditch the pick-up and go electric. Forget meat; vegan only, moving forward. Women will be attracted to the scent of your soy-based estrogen levels — trust the science. Reduce your carbon footprint and get laid at the same time.
When it comes to leisure, trade out the strength training for some light calisthenics. No more Sunday afternoons wasted watching barbarians pummel each other. Find nirvana through meditation, self-love and maybe a few episodes of “Queer Eye.” You should aim to act like those guys.
While you’re at it, find a totally new look. There’s nothing women find sexier than gender ambiguity. Beanies, flannels over an anime t-shirt and slim fit jeans — the tighter the better. Cardigans are particularly flattering to a feeble physique. Choose a new hair color from a bag of Jolly Ranchers. Shave your legs and armpits to really create an air of masculine mystique. “Is he European or physiologically unable to grow body hair?” women will lustfully wonder. But always remember to wear your mask. Yes, even when intimate.
Get involved in your local community — women love a man who gives back. You might have grown up as a Boy Scout, but times have changed. Go teach those They Scouts how to tuck; Target seems to have some helpful resources. Go volunteer at your local school district and bring some inclusive allyship to children who experienced vicious oppression at the hands of their parents. Thanks to bigoted Republican book bans, most of those 5th graders probably still don’t even know how to give a blow job!
But most importantly of all, you have to vote for Biden in 2024. Women need to know that you could never support a bully like Trump in the White House. Unlike some men, to you, decency still matters. Maybe do a TikTok dance just to hammer it all home.
@oldmanonaunicycle President Joe Biden doing his happy dance!  #presedent #joebiden #goodvibes #foryou #fyp ♬ Where Is The Love? – The Black Eyed Peas
This is presumably the media’s ideal solution to incels and all forms of toxic masculinity (by which they really mean anything not overtly feminine). Practical advice for struggling young men is not good enough for our gallant media, perpetual defenders of the weak and oppressed. No, they won’t rest until these men are eradica— er, “de-radicalized“— entirely. Men used to fight wars for women; now, they just want you to neuter yourself.
The appropriate answer to these men is to go outside. Touch grass. Lose weight. Buy some nicer clothes. Give your Xbox to your 11-year-old nephew and lift something heavier than a bowl of ramen to the microwave. Shower more than … however much you shower — and stop thinking of yourself as a victim. Don’t listen to Mr. Potato Head, who couldn’t even keep weight off after he surgically shrunk his stomach.
Train yourself to act like, and eventually become, the type of man that you resent — the type who actually gets the girl (a girl, any girl?). And yes, eventually this will require actually talking to women. Certainly, all of this is easier said than done — but let’s be real, the bar is pretty low.
Women these days are just as desperate as even the most Mountain Dew-saturated incels. Give them 30 seconds of true masculinity, and watch the feminism melt away.