Celebrities partnering with watch brands is nothing new. Sometimes a bona fide watch enthusiast like John Mayer partners with Audemars Piguet, or Ed Sheeran (owner of a unique Patek Philippe, no less) teams up with Casio. Then there’s the other end of the scale, where controversial Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy and his own watch company resides.

Now, however, there’s a new nadir: the Trump Watch. Announced this week by former US president Donald Trump, the collection consists of two pieces. One is called “Fight Fight Fight” and is priced from $499, and the other is the “Victory Tourbillon.” The latter is claimed to be made from solid 18-karat gold, with 122 diamonds and a tourbillon automatic movement. It’s priced at a nice, round $100,000—about three times the price of an equivalent Rolex Submariner—and, yes, crypto payment is available.

The watches are claimed to feature “premium, Swiss-Made materials and intricate details,” but so far as we can tell, the Fight Fight Fight uses a movement by Japanese company Seiko, while the Victory Tourbillon has a movement alleged to be partially built from Chinese components.

It gets better. In what quickly starts to resemble the tweet-riddled fever dreams of the extremely online, the watches are produced by a company called TheBestWatchesonEarth LLC, which is based in Sheridan, Wyoming, and, despite no watchmaking history to speak of, has a license agreement to use the Trump name for its timepieces.

“We also accept Bitcoin as payment!”, the GetTrumpWatches website yells, as if handing over actual dollars to a company who admits the images of the timepieces “are for illustration purposes only” isn’t enough to raise an eyebrow.

We’ll come back to the Tourbillon in a moment. For now, let’s look at the cheaper of the two, called the Fighter. At least that’s what the website address suggests it’s called, but it’s also described as the “Fight Fight Fight Watch”—and in the description of the black and gold colorway it’s “The Fight Fight Fight Black Watch.” Either way, it resembles a Rolex Submariner described down a patchy phone line.

But don’t just take our word for it. WIRED Watch expert Tim Barber told us: “Trump evidently has some cut-through among certain watch fans, since the gold sneakers he auctioned earlier this year were bought by Roman Sharf, one of the most prominent gray-market watch dealers, with a sizable YouTube following.” (Incidentally, the companies that made the gold sneakers and the new Trump Watches were established by the same register agent, Andrew Pierce of Cloud Peak Law, Wyoming.)

“Having said that, I doubt these hideous pieces will increase his equity among most watch collectors. As it happens, all-gold watches being very on trend in the luxury market at the moment, he joins Rolex in producing a gold dive watch this year. But I would be less confident of this sharing any other qualities with a Rolex.”

Trump Watches says the timepiece “was made for those who combine boldness and elegance,” and that its gold accents “create a tasteful balance of color, perfect for a dress watch”—which is odd when you consider the fact this is quite clearly a dive watch.

The screw-down case back features an image of Trump after he narrowly escaped assassination, along with his signature, plus a “200 meters” engraving. Strangely, all three variants of the Fight Fight Fight have the same waterproofing claim on their case back, but only the limited-edition $799 all-gold version states as much on its product page. The other two models, each priced at $499, state 200 meters on their cases, but contradict this with 100 meters of water resistance in their specifications. Perhaps consider removing your Fight Fight Fight before you go swimming.

The $799 model has a day and date window at the three o’clock position, and is powered by the NH36 movement from Japanese watch company Seiko. The other two variants have just a date window and use the simpler NH35 movement. Both movements can be bought online from about $55. Again, this seems completely at odds with claims on the Trump Watches website of “premium, Swiss-Made materials and intricate details.”

Now for the Tourbillon, the $100,000 flagship of the Trump watch collection. “This isn’t just any watch,” the former president said. “It’s one of the best watches made,” he adds without context.

Limited to 147 pieces—although the website admits they’re made to order—the watch is offered with a solid gold case and dial, a gold case and black dial, or a rose gold case and dial. All three have the “Trump” name at the twelve o’clock position and a window revealing their tourbillon movement within.

The watch is claimed to use a “TX07 Tourbillon” with 105 hours of power reserve, but finding any record of such a movement online is tricky. Watch commentator Nico Leonard van der Horst said in an Instagram post: “This is hilarious … the manufacturer of this movement is Olivier Mory, who ironically is known for making very affordable Tourbillons half made in China, half made in Switzerland.” Van der Horst added: “If you were to buy this movement and put it in your own watch, you would be able to buy it for under $3.5k.”

The movement is visible through an exhibition case back, which in marketing material from Trump Watches seemingly includes the personalized message from Trump “James, let’s think big!”, along with Trump’s signature. Bizarrely, the diamond-covered bezel appears to have grips around its circumference. These are usually only seen on rotating bezels, but since there are no markings on this bezel, there’s no reason for it to rotate, and thus no reason for the gripped design.

Back to Barber for more informed analysis: “The watches are as tawdry, ill-designed, and generic as you’d expect, and look as though they’ve been assembled from leftover bits in the parts bin of whichever white label company was prepared to take Trump‘s dime. These would suck as $50 mall watches, let alone as a facsimile of luxury watchmaking.

“Nevertheless, these monstrosities may not be the worst watches associated with Donald Trump. Back in 2019, Moritz Grossmann, a German firm specializing in high-end artisanal horology, saw fit to mark a meeting between Trump and Kim Jong-Un with a commemorative limited edition. Although arguably even more brazen in its bad taste, at around €13,000, it probably offered rather better value for the workmanship involved.”

The latest Trump watches are available to order now, if you really must, but the website states vaguely how shipping starts in “October/November/December.” Despite only accepting pre-orders at this stage, the seller warns “there are no refunds. All sales are final.”

It adds: “Shipping and delivery dates are estimates only and cannot be guaranteed. We are not liable for any delays in shipments … We cannot guarantee when an order will arrive.” Most rarely find themselves in the market for a $100,000 watch, but WIRED imagines buyers generally seek more assurances on when their expensive purchases might arrive.

The Trump Watches website says money spent on these watches does not go to Trump’s presidential campaign, adding: “Trump Watches are not designed, manufactured, distributed or sold by Donald J. Trump, The Trump Organization or any of their respective affiliates or principals.”